Too scared to post this in creative

July 13th, 2008

The world had been kind to her and she was blissfully ignorant. Evil had been restricted from her view and silenced from her ears. She brought more children into the world; a world she assumed was truly good. Two daughters she should never have had. She witnessed the evil brought unto her eldest by the very man she loved. She had been blinded by this love for years but when she saw him betraying their kin, she did the right thing; the strong thing. Everything she did was out of love; protecting her daughter and bringing around justice. She supported that child and put her all into helping her. What a wonderful woman to be so strong whilst their world has been torn apart? Guilt, of course, weighed down on her shoulders at night but it was lifted by invisible, scarred arms.

            Despite her vigilant and unconditional love, the eldest was scarred mentally by that evil. Anorexia was the new evil seeping into their lives. She had tried so hard to keep that evil out, but it came; her spirit was crushed. Invisible hands fed the eldest and took this duty off the mother’s back. An invisible voice consolidated the mother, reassuring her that she was not a bad parent.

 It must be in my genes! She had thought as it became evident that the youngest’s mind was disturbed. Well the mother knew what she had to do: that strong, benevolent woman took the measures needed to nurse the youngest back to health (or at least to a comfortable degree of health). Suddenly, curiously and unfortunately, evil struck again. It was in a park this time; the youngest the victim. Yet the youngest must have had her mother’s genes for they all survived that well. The mother started to hope – for hope and faith were characteristics she always maintained – that things would get better. They did. The eldest was well and no longer did the invisible hands have to feed her. The youngest was medicated to a point where no one would have to see the ugliness of her mind and health.            

Yet evil came back – or maybe, it was simply just a coincidence. The now happy eldest was ripped from the mother’s life. The eldest she loved so much and the eldest who made it all seem worth it. It was bitterly cruel for her to be taken when she was finally contented. The mother may have been strong but how was she supposed to survive this cruelty? Who could ask her to continue her brave face? The mother now lies in a blanket of melancholy and darkness; hatred and grief running her life. Invisible hands wash the dishes. Invisible hands pay the bills. Invisible hands dial 999 for the ambulance whilst the mother lies in a pool of blood. Invisible demons haunt the youngest, known to no one but herself. Invisible sadness lies under the smiling façade. As deep down (though she despises herself for feeling this way) she waits for thanks, love and care. Yet that too seems invisible.

*Cheer* Coming off meds!! *Cheer*

July 1st, 2008

            I am coming off seroquel. I am coming off pimozide. I am coming off my meds! I actually have no idea what the date is today because I never keep track of the date but today is a turning point in my life. Well, it will be if I don’t end up back on meds. If I last a month without any issues, I will be deemed as no longer suffering from schizophrenia. So please keep your fingers crossed for me! I am just hoping this will be the end of it! I am excited in a lot of ways. To finally be better is remarkable. My psychiatrist wasn’t too sure about me coming off them but she thinks I have made a complete personality change recently that she has called ‘extremely healthy and determined’. Well, it is nice to be categorized as what society calls ‘normal’ I suppose! Ha! It will take a while for me to be taken of the meds because we have planned to do it gradually but I still am coming off them. Time to celebrate, I suppose!

            I have decided that I am throwing away any beliefs about strength or weakness or good or evil out of the window now and I am just going to live. And live as well as I can. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? A good thing to just get on with life. It is a smart and logical thing. To not let these stupid ideas and worries and emotions hold you back. Well I am on the road to recovery :).

            Sorry for the short post but this is my update…and it is a big one; a big event in my life!! :) 

Weak & Good or Strong & Evil? (serious trigger)

June 29th, 2008

Sir Francis Bacon once said; “Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a God”. Paul Brunton once said; “Solitude is strength; to depend on the presence of crowd is weakness”.

 These are two of my favourite quotes. I spend a large portion of my time searching for quotes by famous philosophers, theologians, writers and - most prominently - mad men. After all, insanity and genius come hand in hand.

From those two quotes, I can deduce that to depend on no one other than yourself, you are powerful. How have I deduced this? Well for the slower people out there, I will explain in detail: According to the great Paul Brunton, solitude is strength and depending on people is weakness. Seeing as strength equals a powerful personality which equals power, solitude = power. Sir Francis Bacon describes those who like solitude (self imposed solitude) as either a wild beast or a God. A God is seen as omnipotent, therefore being in solitude makes you powerful. A wild beast is something cruel, heartless, untamable and uncontrollable. All of those characteristics are things feared by mankind. When people fear you, you have a power over them. Therefore solitude is power.

being wholly independant = power (more…)

Starting Over: Opening the closed book!

June 27th, 2008

Guten Morgen!

I realised at precicely 2.30 am this morning (Saturday the 28th I believe it is) that I have not taken this blog seriously at all. Half the time it is incoherent and mostly just rants that no one but me would understand. For an English student I think I have been doing pretty terribly! So I am here to start again. I am going to really strive to continue to update and to keep it as honest and raw as possible. Yes, bad language will still be a feature and yes, I am afraid it may have some triggers (which I will point out with warnings). Alright? Are you all prepared for my insanely boring blog that none of you will acutally read? =P (more…)

F*cking People!!!

June 24th, 2008

Why do some people not realise that their actions effect others? Last night I was talking to a really nice friend who was in need of some support. Then someone else, I will call her ‘X’ comes online and triggers me very badly. Why did she feel the need to do that? I don’t fucking know! And I can handle the fact that I am upset and triggered because *I* am stupid enough to know this person and *I* probably deserve a bit of unhappiness. But I was so triggered that I had to stop talking to the nice friend who needed support. I know he isn’t gonna read this cause I tell him not to but sorry ((V)).  And i was in such a hurry to leave and in such a state that i don’t think i clarified that it wasn’t him who triggered me. I bet he feels bad now.

Why can’t people realise that their actions have chain effects? What good do they get out of being cruel? argh.

Depressed

May 27th, 2008

Why is sadness just so inevitable? I can be talking to someone, even managing to take my mind off of everything but still, there is no happiness, just sadness. I don’t want to be here anymore. It isn’t even my mum or the voices or ANYTHING; I can cope with that. It is that happiness is impervious to me. Everything could be going fine but it still isn’t worth it. I don’t want to be here, I am tired.

Call her

May 17th, 2008

why do you keep telling em to call her? she cant answer and i don’t like her. things on my wall, voices telling me to. idk why they are tlaking about. i’m upset

titles irritate me

May 17th, 2008

I’m really exhausted. I don’t want to get out of bed. All I want is to sleep. I’m aching, I’m stressed, I just need a break; I need to sleep.

I have come to realise that I have lost my mum - my one confidant. We will never again have the same relationship as we used to have, even if she does get better.

Kate has gone. We didn’t get on but I lookked after her. Why did she die? It isn’t fair, it should have been me. She was happy, I was not. I don’t midss you Kate, but there are tiimies where I knda wish you were here. Maybe if you were here to look after mum for a bit, mayeybe then I could sleep. I don’t think I deserve a break though, not after what I did that summer. Do you know what I did now? I never tolc y=ou. I didn’t want you to hate me, I wanted you to love me and carry on viewing me as your protector. Do you lstill ove me now you know everything I have done? No one can love me, I am disgusting. I’m just a pathetic little lifeform living behind a facade of a strong, caring person. People shouldn’t even touch me, I might filthy them. I am rotten, I can feel it inside my veins. I keep calling the doctor and asking if that is a sign of anything and they say it is just paranoia, but they don’t understand, I am rotting inside, I can feel it. It must be some sort of disease? Poison?

I am always going to be unnoticed. No one will ever know me, will they? The only emotion anyone can ever feel towards me - the reeal me - is…idk…whatever dad felt. Well go on dad, fiddle with me all you want because I am dead already, it wont upset me, it didn’t then. That’s not normal is it? For a 6 year old to think nothingg of abuse. peop;le say I just didn’t underrstand but no, I didn’nt give a fuck, I know that.

Daad, Edward, hell eben chris, i bet none of you expected it to have not worked. Yu still only got those fake fakke fuckcing walls! Maybe there is nothing undersneath, maybe i am really deadd already.

Bye kate, bye mum, bye friends. I’m alone now, like i should be.

Stressed

May 16th, 2008

I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to fucking face and deal with all of this. Yesterday was okay cause I drank myself through it but that isn’t even helping today. I want to fucking sleep and never wake up, I am so lethargic, tired and apathetic. I don’t want to see her face and have to see her upset, I don’t want to have to mother her AGAIN. SHE is the mother, not fucking me! I actually have exams now - important ones - and I haven’t revised one fucking bit! I am going to fail…I can just see how pathetic my results are going to be. I was meant to get straight A*s!!

But then again, GCSEs aren’t as important as making sure my mother doesn’t slit her wrists again! I don’t want this mess of a woman, I want my old mum back.

Hearing things again. Hearing LOTS of things, wont be long until I see stuff. I am actually fucking PLEASED. I am actually pleased because I now have those old voices to keep me company now. I may have lost my mum - the ONE person I could ever even SLIGHTLY open up to or show weakness in front of - to whatever monster she has become right now, but I have fucking schizophrenia to comfort me. 

It is pathetic how I am ranting here as if this blog is actually a confidant! It isn’t as if anyone even reads it (not that I want them to haha). Fuck, really have to stop talking to myself….I want my mum back.

Blood Bath

May 13th, 2008

Warning: serious trigger! DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED EASILY (not that anyone reads this)

Wake up Saturday morning, wonder into my mum’s bathroom and find her with slit wrists lying in a bath of bloody water. I knew this was coming. I just KNEW it. The past few weeks of happiness on her behalf were clearly the calm before the storm. I could see she was going to be okay; cuts weren’t deep and she was conscious (although not making much sense). I called the ambulance immediately and spoke calmly (of course I was calm, I was expecting this). I went along in the amulance, speaking comforting words in a voice that is much too emotionless - all of the medical staff were looking at me oddly; they either thought I was in shock or I was heartless. I’m not; this is the person I love more than anything in the world.

When I spoke to her she said; ‘just a cry for help’ and that she ‘would never leave me like that’. It wasn’t a cry for help; she has been offered help of every form and refused. I didn’t stay the night. I came home and my grandma is over trying to ‘look after me’. Am I actually a child? Haven’t I been handling my mum all alone for fucking months now? 

I was so angry. How could she be that selfish?! She knowsI had been through the same stuff as her. She knowsthere were ways she could get help. She knows if it had been me who had died and Kate who survived, she wouldn’t be letting her handle all this shit! She still has another daughter; she still has me who has ALWAYS loved her and always been so good to her. She still has stuff to be sane for.

Then, of course, I felt awful. This is the brilliant mother who looked after Kate and I through SO many hard times. She put herself out for us 100%. Supported us 100%. She was amazing and so lovely. I should stick with her through this hard time and put up with this.

But I have to deal with all of this too! I have things to sort out. I just want her back, she was the ONE person I trusted and could talk to and who knew me. Now she is taken away and replaced by another mess.

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