“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”

Sir Francis Bacon once said; “Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a God”. Paul Brunton once said; “Solitude is strength; to depend on the presence of crowd is weakness”.

 These are two of my favourite quotes. I spend a large portion of my time searching for quotes by famous philosophers, theologians, writers and - most prominently - mad men. After all, insanity and genius come hand in hand.

From those two quotes, I can deduce that to depend on no one other than yourself, you are powerful. How have I deduced this? Well for the slower people out there, I will explain in detail: According to the great Paul Brunton, solitude is strength and depending on people is weakness. Seeing as strength equals a powerful personality which equals power, solitude = power. Sir Francis Bacon describes those who like solitude (self imposed solitude) as either a wild beast or a God. A God is seen as omnipotent, therefore being in solitude makes you powerful. A wild beast is something cruel, heartless, untamable and uncontrollable. All of those characteristics are things feared by mankind. When people fear you, you have a power over them. Therefore solitude is power.

being wholly independant = power

 These quotes are irrefutably important to me for many reasons. Why does this equation (whether true or not) mean so much to me? Well, for years - many, many years - I have been wholly independant. I didn’t lean on anyone else and I kept all of my eggs in my own basket, never gave any to anyone else. N0w for most people this would seem an impossible task. Most people would sit there thinking I am overreacting. Then again, most people are painfully insipid and the honest truth is that I am not overreacting. This independance has been apparent for about eight years. Yes, I know that would make me a meager nine when this started. To be clear, I reckon it started before then. Now, most nine year olds may not have been able to be that independant but I was cursed with a ridiculously high IQ and a mental age much elder than my years. Now, I understand that I had to depend on my mother to provide food, water, a home etc. but mentally, I required no one. No consoling friend to tell me that I was great or to comfort me, no help on homework or the questions of life etc. etc. When I wanted something, I got it myself. I did not rely on other’s kindness and never would I admit fault to anyone. As the years went on, I became more independant. I was old enough to travel on my own and old enough to get my own money. My mother’s stupidity deepened and soon she was dependant on me. She needed me to do the bills, to sort out insurance, to look after my anorexic sister, to support her mentally and emotionally. People were putting their eggs in my basket but I still refused to give any back. Of course, I pretended to. I put on countless facades and tell my ‘friends’ that I truly care for them and tell them important ’secrets’ (which, naturally, I make up on the spot then laugh about later). “I became a virtuoso of deceit”.

Most importantly; I cared for very few people no one.

The doctors diagnosed me with having schizoid personality disorder. Relgions’ Gods’ would diagnose me with being heartless and evil. I diagnosed myself with being superior - powerful. If you don’t let yourself trust anyone or care for anyone, they can never let you down.

If anyone is reading this, I assume that they are revolted and think of me to be an arrogant, narcissistic, evil bitch. Well, I don’t blame you. But, was I powerful? Notice that I used the past tense there. Please notice that.

Things have changed. That description of myself is no longer accurate. Since christmas and the start of 2008, something inside of me has twisted and turned around to form a different person to who I used to be. Don’t mistake this for ‘just growing up’ or exiting a ‘phase’. I may still be a teenager but my mental age is - well, was, when my psychiatrist reported it a month ago - much older than I am. I have done growing up, lost all innocence years ago. So why the hell has this change come around?! I was supposed to fucking be settled as a person!! As a powerful, sick, cruel, solo person.

Now I find myself feeling pity and compassion towards others. I no longer sneer at the originally ‘insipid’ people. I no longer think needing people is weak. I no longer think distributing your eggs is stupid; I think it is brave.

“It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all“. Is that true? Was I missing out on a huge portion of life? By being so completely not passionate and not caring, have I missed out on something much greater than power? Much greater than the delights of solitude? Well, I never actually agreed with that quote. When people lose loved ones, they are devestated, depressed, heart broken, their trust can be shattered and everything falters in their world. Surely that isn’t worth the so called ‘love’ that they felt?

 Perhaps being so scared of weakness is, in itself, a weakness? I don’t know. And right now that is not the most pressing question. The most pressing question is: 

Do I stay strong, evil and alone OR do I carry on this transformation to become weak, good and not lonely?

Is there even someone out there I would manage to connect with? To open up to?  Most people would think I am an evil bitch for saying these things - as I am sure you all do. Is this thirst for a power and self control keeping me depressed when I could be out living a carefree albeit weak life? This has been playing on my mind recently. I just needed to get it out. I needed to finally tell someone how arrogant I am.

Hate me? I used to love the powerful me, does that make me evil? Do your opinions matter to me?