“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”

Guten Morgen!

I realised at precicely 2.30 am this morning (Saturday the 28th I believe it is) that I have not taken this blog seriously at all. Half the time it is incoherent and mostly just rants that no one but me would understand. For an English student I think I have been doing pretty terribly! So I am here to start again. I am going to really strive to continue to update and to keep it as honest and raw as possible. Yes, bad language will still be a feature and yes, I am afraid it may have some triggers (which I will point out with warnings). Alright? Are you all prepared for my insanely boring blog that none of you will acutally read? =P

To start with, let’s go back to the basics:

• My name is Erica.
• I am 17 years old.
• I was diagnosed with the God-awful illness called schizophrenia at a young age.
• I have been severely depressed over the years (although I do like to believe that is under control now).
• My elder sister died just over three months ago.
• I live with my mum and three gorgeous dogs.
• My mum became seriously depressed after my sister’s death and has attempted suicide.
• I am my mother’s care giver.
• My dad is in prison for being a dirty filthy paedophile.
• I have schizoid personality disorder.
• I am a compulsive and pathalogical liar.
• I was raped when I was 15 alongside another girl - the man is in prison now.
• The rape has caused NO issues for me and I have fully moved on.
• I am in an extremely acedemic school studying english, maths, psychology, biology and chemistry.
• I used to be one of the many teenagers employed to work on the script of ‘Skins’.
• I drink too much probably.

I think that is all I really have to outline in my long list of bullet points. Yet, with my seemingly never ending list of issues, I am sure some more will pop up along the way! Oh, and for those who detest sarcasm, cynicism and skepticism…watch out! I want all of my adoring readers (all two of them - haha!) to know that in real life I act tremendously happy. It is very rare that you will see me without a smile plastered on my face (however fake it may be). I am a big lover of comedy shows - nothing beats a good ol’ english sense of humour - and have a big group of nice friends (although the schizoid disorder tends to make me rather indifferent to them).

Now, onto - in my psychiatrist’s point of view - the most important part; why I am writing this mess of a blog. As I have stated in the rather blank title, I am a closed book. I tell very few NO people how I am feeling. I was ‘ditched’ by two psychiatrists and one counsellor for my refusal to utter one true emotion. When I said I was a liar…I wasn’t lying (yes I can see the irony in that sentence). When people confront me about true emotions or my true personality…I lie. Plain, simple and disgusting. I constantly wear what I would like to call a facade (A/N: I couldn’t find how to insert symbols so I will have to make do with spelling that word incorrectly).

“How are you feeling Erica?”

“I am good thanks,” I reply whilst jamming a fork into my hand under the table.

So…why a blog? Well, my new psychiatrist who is DETERMINED to get me to open up says that I need to talk to someone other than her as well. With this batch of therapy, I am ready to try; I am ready to work to get better; ready to knock down those carefully built walls and try and sort out my crazy mind. So, I thought long and hard (for about two minutes) about who to talk to about my feelings. What were my options?

1. My mother - who right now is suicidal… NO
2. My friends - who all see me as a happy go lucky girl, don’t even know of my illness and think schizophrenia is multiple personality disorder… NO
3. Someone from PC - you already all have enough problems to deal with without listening to me whine and bitch for no apparent reason…NO
4. A blog…YES

I want to issue another quick warning to all those on PC who know me who could somehow read this: I know I sound like a totally different person, but this is me trying to be…well me. I know I am not a particularly pleasant person and you will all prefer the ‘other me’ and I am sorry for that, but this is necessary; I need to be honest.

I usually try to think inside my own head that I am superior; that I am above humans; that I am more intelligent. I have a narcissist streak to me. For these reasons and others, I rarely cry. Please do not think I am heartless. In general I do not care about other people’s opinions to me as they seem irrelevant or ‘banal’ but I do want to stress that I genuinely am changing. I love to help people (although sometimes I think I do more harm than help) and I hide the narcissism in me by acting like a complete pushover the whole time. I know other people have had it much worse than me and I am grateful for what I have been given.

I actually started writing this with the intention of ‘delving deep’ and unearthing some raw emotion but I reckon I am too tired for that so just the introduction will be published today. After all…background information is heavily important!