titles irritate me
I’m really exhausted. I don’t want to get out of bed. All I want is to sleep. I’m aching, I’m stressed, I just need a break; I need to sleep.
I have come to realise that I have lost my mum - my one confidant. We will never again have the same relationship as we used to have, even if she does get better.
Kate has gone. We didn’t get on but I lookked after her. Why did she die? It isn’t fair, it should have been me. She was happy, I was not. I don’t midss you Kate, but there are tiimies where I knda wish you were here. Maybe if you were here to look after mum for a bit, mayeybe then I could sleep. I don’t think I deserve a break though, not after what I did that summer. Do you know what I did now? I never tolc y=ou. I didn’t want you to hate me, I wanted you to love me and carry on viewing me as your protector. Do you lstill ove me now you know everything I have done? No one can love me, I am disgusting. I’m just a pathetic little lifeform living behind a facade of a strong, caring person. People shouldn’t even touch me, I might filthy them. I am rotten, I can feel it inside my veins. I keep calling the doctor and asking if that is a sign of anything and they say it is just paranoia, but they don’t understand, I am rotting inside, I can feel it. It must be some sort of disease? Poison?
I am always going to be unnoticed. No one will ever know me, will they? The only emotion anyone can ever feel towards me - the reeal me - is…idk…whatever dad felt. Well go on dad, fiddle with me all you want because I am dead already, it wont upset me, it didn’t then. That’s not normal is it? For a 6 year old to think nothingg of abuse. peop;le say I just didn’t underrstand but no, I didn’nt give a fuck, I know that.
Daad, Edward, hell eben chris, i bet none of you expected it to have not worked. Yu still only got those fake fakke fuckcing walls! Maybe there is nothing undersneath, maybe i am really deadd already.
Bye kate, bye mum, bye friends. I’m alone now, like i should be.