Blood Bath
Warning: serious trigger! DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED EASILY (not that anyone reads this)
Wake up Saturday morning, wonder into my mum’s bathroom and find her with slit wrists lying in a bath of bloody water. I knew this was coming. I just KNEW it. The past few weeks of happiness on her behalf were clearly the calm before the storm. I could see she was going to be okay; cuts weren’t deep and she was conscious (although not making much sense). I called the ambulance immediately and spoke calmly (of course I was calm, I was expecting this). I went along in the amulance, speaking comforting words in a voice that is much too emotionless - all of the medical staff were looking at me oddly; they either thought I was in shock or I was heartless. I’m not; this is the person I love more than anything in the world.
When I spoke to her she said; ‘just a cry for help’ and that she ‘would never leave me like that’. It wasn’t a cry for help; she has been offered help of every form and refused. I didn’t stay the night. I came home and my grandma is over trying to ‘look after me’. Am I actually a child? Haven’t I been handling my mum all alone for fucking months now?
I was so angry. How could she be that selfish?! She knowsI had been through the same stuff as her. She knowsthere were ways she could get help. She knows if it had been me who had died and Kate who survived, she wouldn’t be letting her handle all this shit! She still has another daughter; she still has me who has ALWAYS loved her and always been so good to her. She still has stuff to be sane for.
Then, of course, I felt awful. This is the brilliant mother who looked after Kate and I through SO many hard times. She put herself out for us 100%. Supported us 100%. She was amazing and so lovely. I should stick with her through this hard time and put up with this.
But I have to deal with all of this too! I have things to sort out. I just want her back, she was the ONE person I trusted and could talk to and who knew me. Now she is taken away and replaced by another mess.