I don’t feel right. I am not sure if this is the absence of unhappiness or this is the numbness that is brought about before a deep bout of depression. Is this being normal? Not always feeling so unbelievably miserable? Or are things going to get worse? I am scared – really scared. I am rarely scared as well so this is coming as a shock to me.
People never understood/understand why I think depression is a bigger issue than my rape or schizophrenia. Well, I am sure my depression was never really ‘normal’ depression. It was more the feeling of nothing was worth the effort. It was more the inability to bereave enjoyment from anything. Life was more effort than it was worth so I wanted to die. Yes, I had all the normal tell-tale signs of severe depression but depression for me was probably more anxiety. I think I was mis-diagnosed sometimes. I hate to sound completely like an angst-y teenager but I am not understood. Not in the way most teenagers feel misunderstood but honestly, I truly deeply think no one knows who I am and if they did, they would be as confused as fuck.
I’m lonely but at the same time I adore solitude. I would never be able to stand anyone for more than a short amount of time and people get on my nerves quickly; the possibility of falling in love always looks so ridiculously slim for me and I was happy with that. But I am lonely and I expect I will be for (not meaning to sound dramatic but this is the truth) the rest of my life. I get irritated with people easily, I barely care for people in the first place, very few people would accept me for who I am, I am too scared to actually be myself around anyone, I will never trust anyone, I never let people in and I am fickle. I have a fear of rejection I guess. I don’t want to show people the REAL me, because if they don’t like it, I can’t not take offence at that because it isn’t them not liking a ‘fake’ me; it is them rejecting the real me. I sometimes think that roots back to issues with my sister from when we were very young but I cannot say it is wholly from that; my sister’s rejection just played a large part in my fear. There is also the fact that I find myself sickening. I think people would never accept what I think or feel and would find me sick. I am one of society’s abnormalities that would disgust people. So, I carry on playing the parts they want me to play instead. It doesn’t count if I am loved for what I act as; I am not loved for what I really am and to be honest, I don’t blame people for that.
All these factors are going to keep me lonely- I know it. My friends (the people who I am closest to) have no idea that I come on PC or that I have this whole double life. A few very close ones know I am ill but they don’t know how it makes me feel; they don’t know what I have to put up with seeing; they don’t know the mean things the voices say; they don’t know how often I panic that they, themselves are reading my thoughts; they don’t know how often I think about death; they don’t know how often I just want to scream; they don’t know how uncaring and cruel I can be; they don’t know how bored of everything I am; they don’t know me. They would never understand that I make up personalities that sometimes I cannot remember. They would never understand that I made a whole second email address and person just so I could be someone else that I wanted to be and escape from what I am. Even my mother doesn’t know that. I can’t manage to bring myself to tell a psychiatrist any of that or any of my thoughts that I deem unacceptable and I think she will think I am sick. I just can’t voice this whole side of me and it is fucking killing me. This is me too and this side of me is so fucking lonely. LONELY; a word I hate! An emotion I find weak and pathetic. I never wanted to need or want people but here I am all upset because I feel lonely!
Anyway, to continue with my original rant; (sorry, I got side-tracked) I don’t understand how I am feeling now. The pure panic I used to feel at the idea of going out or the idea of being around people for too long is subsiding. This is partly because I have managed to distance myself from friends I previously hated and made me feel uncomfortable but it is not just that. I used to panic and feel sick if I hadn’t spent enough time alone or enough time on the computer – I have a technology addiction and scored 100 on technology issues on the sanity score – but now-a-days I don’t panic so much. I still love my time alone and still need it, but it is no longer such a desperate need. I don’t spend any time I am out just wishing to be alone and watching time tick by; I can just ‘live in the moment’ so to speak. Does this mean I am getting better? I think it does…but then again; I am still not happy. I cannot help but feel like I did at the beginning of the depression. It is almost like it has come full circle and I am reliving past emotions and feelings. I am supposed to be getting better! I am supposed to be coming of meds! What the fuck is going on?! Am I better or am I worse?
I can’t voice these thoughts and worries to my mother because she is depressed and has more than enough on her plate right now and I could try and voice them to a psychiatrist or counsellor but I just can NEVER be honest with them (even though I promised myself I would try and be honest this time around and tell them everything on my mind). Friends? My closest friends, don’t get me wrong, are lovely…but they aren’t precisely smart in these types of areas. PC people? They have enough problems of their own and no matter how HARD and MUCH I try…I will always put on a fucking façade. I am just too used to not acting as myself. I am too used to being closed; to keeping up these walls.
I bet I will freak out and DELETE this post out of fear of the honesty in it as soon as I post it. The only reason I am managing to post it AT ALL is because I know no one reads it. How am I ever going to have a true friend? Ever be loved or love anyone (I don’t just mean romantically there, I mean in all ways)? I can’t ever show the true me to anyone. Hell, I seriously don’t know who the true me is…
1) Schizoid, uncaring, sarcastic, assertive, degrading, narcissistic, smart, quick-witted, likes solitude, ambitious girl?
2) Fun, laid back, easy going, push over, friendly, smiley, apathetic, lazy girl?
3) Lonely, sad, depressed, self loathing, crazy girl?
I just don’t know…there are so many options. I’m confused and right now I am fucking terrified! 
:(